Riverdale: The Best Worst Show You Will Ever See [SPOILERS]

The CW’s new television show Riverdale is so bad it’s bad. No, that wasn’t a typo.

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Listen & Read:

The CW “Dare to Defy” theme song


For some reason, I literally can’t stop watching it. Here are a few of the highlights on why it’s essentially the worst show ever, and maybe you can help me solve a better mystery than the murder of Jason Blossom– why do my friends and I come back every week?

 

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Photos by Frank Ockenfels

 

Troy Bolton or Archie Andrews

A high school athlete with dreams of singing. He continues to be torn between which one he wants. His dad wants him to focus more on sports. Which guy am I talking about? The only catch is, is that Archie honestly isn’t that good at football. In episode five, Archie and Reggie Mantle (a vision to behold when your eyes are sore form rolling them every five minutes) compete to get team captain. Archie is terrible, but he still get’s chosen as captain??? Ok???

Thirteen Episodes of a Murder Mystery + A Few Drops of the Archie Comics= Confusion (and most of the time laughter)

Archie comics are upbeat and fun. The characters in the comics are all cute and cartoony. They can get away with saying silly things and having silly names for things and people. Riverdale, though? Not so much. In one of the earlier episodes, Jughead is talking quite seriously, like he usually does, and mentions in passing his sister, Jellybean. JELLYBEAN. That was supposed to be inserted seriously? And then he continued his sentence! My friends and I were laughing so hard we missed the other stuff he said. Another scene that was supposed to be taken seriously was when Betty’s father was talking to her about why they don’t like the Blossom family. According to her dad, there was a maple syrup company owned by Betty and Cheryl’s great grandfathers. Out of greed, Cheryl’s great grandfather killed Betty’s so he could keep all the money coming in from the maple syrup company. MAPLE SYRUP. Of all the things. We had to rewind and hear it again. It was just that funny to us.

After looking up Riverdale articles, it looks like this show is actually based off of an Archie comics spinoff about the zombie apocalypse, which will be mentioned later on, and not the actual comics. That seems so odd to make a show out of the zombie version and not the actual comic book version… maybe for the drama!!

Veronica: Good Girl Gone Bad Wishes She Was Bad

What has Veronica actually done to warrant herself a bad girl? I wish Veronica was actually a bad girl, but she just thinks she’s bad and so does everyone else in the show. Disloyal? Yeah– it’s pretty uncool to kiss the guy you know your friend has a crush on. Feminist? Probably not– that whole #JusticeforEthel episode had my friends and I less on a girl power storm and more on a tilt-your-head-and-squint-your-eyes drizzle. Bad girl? Hell no. She wears heels to school and only calls Archie by a demeaning and weirdly flirtatious nickname, Archiekins. She joined a cheerleading squad that knows all about moving their knees and nothing about shaking their ass. Again, bad girl? I think not. The only reason the audience might also think she’s bad is because the director loves to stand her and Betty right next to each other, and the duality of Veronica’s dark wardrobe to Betty’s pinks and whites eludes to the good girl and bad girl duo. Also Betty has called herself the “good girl” before, so it only leaves Veronica to fill the other gap.

If anyone is bad, it’s Betty. She literally tried to boil one of the football players in a hot tub. But of course they had to put her in a wig and all black to make sure they separate the “good” girl from the “bad/evil” girl!

Kevin

The gay bestfriend. It’s tired. It’s old. It’s dead. It needs to be put back in it’s grave. His remarks aren’t witty. He simply sounds dumb and stereotypical. He is one of the characters that you may find yourself saying “Are you serious?” to the television in the middle of the show.

Characterization (from dictionary.com)

[kar-ik-ter-uhzey-shuh n, -truhzey-]

noun

1. portrayal; description: the actor’s characterization of a politician.
2. the act of characterizing or describing the individual quality of a person or thing.
3. the creation and convincing representation of fictitious characters, as in a literary work.

 

Cole Sprouse playing Cole Sprouse. I mean, Jughead.

So… The asexual character… I suppose that went out the window with the last episode (episode 6, which is titled, I kid you not, “Faster Pussycats! Kill! Kill!”) when he kissed Betty, who by the way clearly did not seem into it at all. Cole’s pretentious attitude that comes off through his social media reeks through his character, Jughead, on the show. My friends often mention how comfortable Cole must feel playing a character almost identical to himself. Always saying something slick with his arms folded and one foot on the wall. The Suite Life: All Grown Up, also known as, Riverdale. I like Cole, I think he’s funny and cute and only through watching this show have I realized how pompous he comes off as, but whenever I hear his narration, it sounds like white noise. And that piece of hair that always stays perfectly curled– annoying.

Zombie Apocalypse Theory?

I wouldn’t be surprised. So much random shit goes on in this show, so many loose strings, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I appeared on that show with a fake beard and a mustache. For example, in episode 5, we learn that Jughead is homeless with some kind of gangster dad and then in the next episode it’s like it was never mentioned. I guess to make room for the talent show run by none other than the one gay character, Kevin.

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Who killed Jason Blossom? I honestly don’t care. As long as I get to roll my eyes about something or someone every week, I’ll be happy. Maybe it’s a stress reliever to get my frustration out on this show, so now I’m addicted? I still don’t know if the writers/director/producers know what they are doing when they put corny shit in this show. Like are my friends and I on to something or is it really trash that was made to seem intriguing? Either way, it’s getting our views, and it was announced yesterday that it is picked up for a second season. Next Thursday, I’ll be somewhere in the world watching it along with everyone else. Just know my friends and I will be screaming at the TV whenever Betty makes that worried face she makes.

Your Nancy Drew,

Ken

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Riverdale: The Best Worst Show You Will Ever See [SPOILERS]

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